Heaven Is With You
by Attenia
Summary: Castiel gets a call from Dean, and arrives to find the hunter dead on the floor. Unable to heal him, Cas is left with the knowledge that Dean died without ever knowing just how much his angel loved him. He has no idea that it may not be too late after all.


"Hello?"

Cas hardly ever got calls on the phone Dean insisted he keep in case of emergencies, but he was glad he had it when he heard Dean's panicked voice. "Cas, I need help – I'm at the Firebrand Motel in Phoenix –"

The call cut off abruptly, but Cas had heard enough. He didn't know why Dean didn't call him by prayer rather than on the phone, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Dean needed help.

Cas blinked out an reappeared instantly. Dean was sprawled on the floor, with his neck at an unnatural angle.

"Dean!" Cas flung himself down beside the hunter and pressed two fingers to Dean's forehead.

Nothing happened.

No, no, please, no.

With a shaking hand, Cas felt for a pulse. There was none. He couldn't heal death.

"No, Dean, wake up! Wake up, please!" Cas shook Dean's limp form, but the hunter's eyes remained closed. Cas had been too late.

He stood up, breathing hard. Cas felt like he was falling apart from within. Dean was dead, and he hadn't saved him. Dean was dead, and Cas had never gotten a chance to tell the hunter just how much he loved him.

Cas grabbed the bedside table and threw it, watching it shatter against the wall. It wasn't enough, and he kicked the bed viciously, splintering the frame. Cas was screaming as he began hitting the walls and trashing every part of the room he could reach, desperate to find a way to divert even a portion of the pain inside him.

Someone grabbed him from behind, and Cas was shaking too badly to throw them off. He could blink out, of course, but that would mean leaving Dean's body, and he wouldn't do that. He roared wordlessly as he writhed in the grip, trying to throw off his attacker.

"Cas, stop, stop it!"

That voice had him stilling, sure he was either hallucinating or dead.

"Dean?" he breathed.

Dean spun him around, still keeping a firm grip on him. "What the hell did that shifter say to you? It had my phone for a maximum of two minutes before I killed it – then I leave for another five minutes to kill the other one, and I find you having a complete meltdown!"

Cas gaped at him, his eyes flicking between the dead Dean on the floor, and the one standing in front of him. He was still stuck on the fact that Dean was holding him, that Dean was _alive._

"Woah, hey, easy there." Dean lowered the two of them to the ground as Castiel's legs gave out. "Cas, speak to me, man. You're scaring me."

Instead of speaking, Cas threw his arms around Dean.

"Hey, it's alright." Dean sounded alarmed as he returned the embrace, patting Cas awkwardly on the back. "Cas, everything is fine, there's nothing to cry over."

Of course, everything was fine, now that Dean was here, but Cas couldn't seem to stop crying. He'd never felt such anguish squeeze his heart as when he'd thought Dean was dead, and it seemed his human vessel was reacting in the only way it knew how. Dean frantically tried to wipe away his tears, and Cas knew he had to say something, or at least get control of his vessel, but both of those seemed like faraway goals at the moment.

"Fuck it," Dean mumbled, and the next thing he knew, Cas was being manhandled over to the bed and wrapped tightly in a blanket with Dean. Dean started rocking him, humming what sounded like a human lullaby.

It felt like some kind of magic, because against all odds, Cas found himself calming down. The tears slowly stopped and he lay quietly in Dean's arms.

"How… how did you do that?"

"You know I basically had to raise Sammy. Knowing how to comfort someone when they're upset is kind of a requirement when you're an acting father."

"Oh."

Cas didn't know what else to say, but it seemed Dean was far from done talking about this. He started to sit up, but when Cas tensed, the hunter quickly returned to their previous position, even starting up with the gentle rocking again.

"What happened, Cas? I've never seen you like that. What did that shifter do to you?"

"He didn't do anything. He was dead when I came."

"Then why were you having a mental meltdown?"

He owed Dean the truth, even if he didn't want to give it. "I… thought you were dead," Cas admitted.

"Oh," Dean said quietly. "But why were you so upset? I mean, it's just me, it's not like I'm worth anything, really –"

"Shut up, Dean, shut up!" Cas only realized he was shouting when Dean winced slightly, but he couldn't stop himself. "I love you, ok? I love you and I thought you were dead! Don't tell me you don't understand, how would you react if it had been me?"

"That's not the same," Dean whispered. "Hey, no, come on, it's ok, Cas."

His stupid vessel was weeping again, and it wasn't taking orders from Castiel. It seemed to be taking orders from Dean, because it took Dean only a few minutes to rock and cuddle him into silence. "I'm sorry. I guess if it had been you – my reaction wouldn't have been much better. Cas, why didn't you say something?"

Cas shrugged. "I knew you could never return my feelings. It would just make things awkward between us, and I didn't want to lose your friendship."

"What makes you think I don't return your feelings?"

"You like women – I have seen you with many of them."

Dean rolled his eyes. "You do know there are more sexualities than just straight and gay, right, Cas? Ever heard of bisexual?"

Cas shook his head. He could guess what the word meant, but it was the first time he was hearing it. "Does that mean…?"

"I love you too, you idiot. Have for a while now."

Cas sighed happily, wondering if he may not have died after all, and now be residing in heaven. "It doesn't matter," he decided.

"What?"

"It doesn't matter if I'm dead. Heaven is with you, no matter where I am."

"You're not dead, Cas. And it's going to stay that way if I have anything to say about it."

Cas could say the same about him.

"Dean? I would appreciate it if you don't tell Sam about – what did you call it? My 'mental meltdown'?"

"Sure thing, Cas. Just as long as you don't tell him that his brother is banging his best friend. He already knows about the feelings and shit, no need for him to know about the physical too."

"Banging?"

Dean smiled a truly wicked smile. "Oh Cas, I have so much to teach you."


End file.
